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August 25, 2010

Lost: Young woman, brownish eyes, messy hair.

On the highway between Gainesville and Tampa, the landscape gets just a little hilly. The road rolls and dips unusually—for Florida. Without thinking, I accelerate down the hill. The music is loud, the sun is bright, the road is clear. I glance at my dial and gasp before softly toeing the brake to nose back down from 95 mph. The little Yoda figurine from Taco Bell eyes the road for me, wisely surveying the path from my dashboard. I am 18-years-old and flying high on possibilities.

I’ve been a little lost in parenting lately. Obsessive over my son’s behavior, his surgery two days ago, his recovery since then, his allergies, the rollercoaster ride we’re on. Then there’s the baby, my curly-haired Moose, my independent toddler who looks almost exactly like I did when I was his age. He’ll be two this fall. I’m not ready for his babyhood to end.

When I worry, I worry about them. When I plan, I plan for them. I have to admit, it’s been a little therapeutic for me. My irrational-brain hasn’t been swelling up as much at night. Instead of getting twisted-tangled with the “I’m crazy, I’m losing it, I can’t sleep, my stomach hurts” routine, I’m focusing on them. Being their mama makes me stronger.

But I know that the more I pile on, the more of myself I lose. It’s like the way I bitch that Bella Swan has no hobbies or interests outside of wanting to climb onto Edward Cullen’s sparkly boner. She doesn’t like music, she doesn’t enjoy movies, she doesn’t have an identity beyond the way she feels for that other person.

Pretty much the last person on the planet I want to act like is Bella Swan, so I need to get my shit together. (Except I need to approach it from a gentler, more loving perspective or I’m going to explode from putting pressure on myself.) So let me rephrase: I hope I can find myself again.

(I recognize the luxury of introspection. The fact that I’m taking a break to spend twenty minutes writing my thoughts out.)

(That’s my little friend Guilt talking, just a bit.)

My identity, my sense of self, has to stay strong: I want my sons to know me as more than a nurturing presence in my life. I want to be proud of the person they get to know.

I want to start knitting again in anticipation of the fall some day approaching. I want to go out to dinner with my husband. I want to ride Sheikra at Busch Gardens. I want to start running again. I want to get sucked into a silly book. I want to have crushes on fictional characters. I want to write fiction again. I want to enjoy cooking once in a while. I want to spend time with my ladyfriends. I want to take pictures of people who aren’t my children.

I don’t need a soul-searching journey. But I do want to step outside of my mama-bear-brain and my worrying-about-money brain and my work-work-work brain. Even if that means confronting the fears and anxieties that are part of who I am.

Easier said than done. Especially lately. But this is the first step, just writing it down, just thinking it out loud, just remembering to remember to remember some day.


This may or may not be related:

  1. things I’m doing besides cleaning shit out of my carpets
  2. I have spit up in my hair right this second
Tags: , , , , , | Posted In: Uncategorized
  • http://mom-101.com Mom101

    Sometimes you’re on a soul-searching journey without even knowing it. Say, now.

  • http://www.ourincrediblejourney.net Heather

    I miss ladyfriends. Sometimes. Other times, I know I need to do what I’m doing to protect my heart and my children’s hearts from the cruel realities that await outside the door. Which sounds a bit like I’m a hermit… ;)

    I think you’re doing remarkably well. Some people see the forest for the trees so much easier than others…it took me a long time to find a place of peace. And OK-ness. You’re doing awesome. Your kids are going to grow up with the knowledge that their mom has an incredible heart.

  • http://www.mommymelee.com Maria Melee

    Aha. Too true.

    Just with less Javier Bardem and elephants and gnocchi, mostly.

  • http://www.mommymelee.com Maria Melee

    You’re so sweet, thank you lady.

    Any moving news??

  • http://mommynanibooboo.com Jenni Chiu

    *sigh*
    It’s so hard to step out of Mama Bear mode. But good reminder to yourself- and me…
    There are a million and one things that make me, me- even if they seem far away sometimes.

  • http://hamletsmistress.wordpress.com/ Hamlet’s Mistress

    Love this. And though I’m not a mom. I so get this. I think women in general… particulary married women and especially married women with children feel this way from time to time. I’ve been in such a funk lately that I can’t seem to pull myself out of. You’ll find your time. You need to figure out a way to make you a priority now and then. Once you figure that out, and do it, the guilt over doing it will start to eventually subside. You’ll figure it out. It just takes time.
    HM

  • http://MommyNaniBooboo.com MommyNaniBooboo

    *sigh*
    It’s so hard to step out of Mama Bear mode. Sometimes I don’t know how to be anything but a ball of worry.
    But good reminder for yourself- and me.
    There a million and one things that make me, me- even if some of them are far away sometimes…

  • http://www.miss-britt.com Miss Britt

    It surprises me to see you write this, because when I see you I see so much more than motherhood.

  • Morningsidemom

    So relating to this. And with new found just me time that I can fill with what I want to do, I still find myself looking around and thinking… “Now what?” I’m not used to making myself a priority or focusing on my needs. At all. Really. It just feels weird and strangely self indulgent. Trying to get over that. So I hear you 100 times over.

  • http://twitter.com/RockOnMommies Theresa Seid

    We all struggle with this. It’s a daily issue for me. I don’t want to be “just” a mom. I want to be a woman who loves to dance, who loves museums, who loves reading and who just so happens to be Ellie’s mom.

    Also, I’m right there with you on the Bella thing. She infuriates me!

  • http://www.notesfromthecookiejar.com Scatteredmom

    Being Mama Bear can be all consuming, and when you add in the worrying about money and work stuff, it’s overwhelming. I think it’s great that you can sit and write things down (don’t feel guilty!). I wish that I had blogging back when Jake was small and I was in the throes of Mama Bear-ishness, but I didn’t. Back then I felt so alone.

    Pick one thing for YOU, and you only, that you’d like to do. Then schedule time and make it happen. The interesting thing is that as kids grow, they don’t need you quite so close all the time and you’ll find yourself with a ton of time and the realization that yes, you need to get a life. It’s ok to dip the toes in a bit now when they’re small-without guilt.

  • Anonymous

    Honey, you will never be a Bella Swan. You have such strong, beautiful, heartfelt words that speak volumes about who you are, who you have been, beyond being (such a good) mama bear.

    Still, I do totally understand needing to remember those (uncomplicated?) pleasures of being you.

    I do love that being their mama has made you stronger. I’m not sure I’ve found that place of strength yet.

  • Lablover22

    I love this. Love, love, love this. I too am searching for “me.” The biggest lesson of all was realizing that as I began to “find me” I wasn’t who are where I left myself last time. I am a new person- daily, a new person. In some ways that’s refreshing. In other ways it’s a bit scary because there isn’t the comfort of the familiar. But as the layers begin to be exposed of the “new me” I’m slowly recognizing myself again. You will too. I have a mom blog too and would love to share thoughts or add you as a link on it. Would that be OK? I’m not sure how to email you directly to ask this- sorry to post this question here. thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

  • http://twitter.com/agirlnamedmel melissa

    I couldn’t relate more to this post than I do at this time in my life.

  • http://www.somuchshoutingsomuchlaughter.com/ suzannah {so much}

    when family life is stressful, there’s not much space for much else, is there? may you find that quiet/fun/personal space again and be refreshed–guilt-free!

  • that girl

    so strange how life is sometimes. they say that these challenging experiences make us tougher but i don’t know about that sometimes. just breathe in and breathe out. :)

  • Toughcookiemommy

    Your post really hit hom for me. I just posted an entry about feeling like I am consumed by worrying. I know worrying comes with the “Mommy” territory but, we certainly lose some of ourselves in all of this…

  • http://twitter.com/beckymochaface beckymochaface

    I don’t want to be Bella Swan. Ever. And you won’t be either.

  • Anonymous

    Ayup, totally agreed on all fronts. We must be reading each others’ minds. I, too, am in some kind of self/spiritual void/funk and feel like I don’t know where I am amid all the shit that’s going on. I think I used to do interesting things. It’s one of those things I’m going to get around to some day. Some day.

  • http://twitter.com/kristeneileen Kristen Eileen

    I love this post; beautifully written and expressed as usual. As my little guy nears 4 and we contemplate baby #2, I’m facing a similar personal conundrum; how do I keep myself, my *own person*, who I worked so hard to make into someone I felt pride in, while I am devoting myself so fully to being so many other people – Mama, wife, daughter, friend… there don’t seem to be enough hours in the day. I think you recognizing that you miss that former version of yourself and giving yourself a chance to reconnect with the best of her is a brilliant idea and a fabulous plan; I hope it brings you some insight and peace to carry with you on the road ahead. <3

  • Samanthajocampen

    I love this post. While we’re not dealing with the same TYPE of issues you are, we’ve had a lot of chaos over here and it’s finally dying down. I’m like you. I want to find myself again and I’m on a quest to do that. For much the same reasons you mentioned.

    The first step is realization so you’re on the right track. And you don’t have to do all those things at once. A little at a time and you’re moving in the right direction.

    I wish I lived closer so I could be your ladyfriend :-)

  • http://www.mommymelee.com Maria Melee

    That would be just fine!!! Please feel free to share posts or email me any time or just comment here. My email is mommymelee at gmail.com. <3 Thanks lady.

  • Loukiazigoumis

    It’s totally easier said than done… I worry all the time, all the time, about my boys. When I’m with them, when I’m not with them, about everything. It’s very all-consuming. My oldest son has just turned 5, my baby is 2 and a half. I’m takng it all in, cherishing their sweetness, and I’m sad to see them grow so fast. Also, now I have to be even more careful with the things I say, with my expressions, with everything, as they understand it all now. It’s hard, parenting. All the time.
    Good Luck to you… you’re a great, great mom.

  • Jill

    With 3 kids and a hubby in Iraq it’s all me, all the time. And after spending 3 days at BlogHer, totally away from my kids, my life, the only thing I’ve known for the past 7 years, I realized one thing. I’ve lost myself… who I am and who I once was.

    So I made myself a pact. I will not leave the house unless I put on lipstick, earrings, and spray a little perfume. Of course, that may be all that I throw on .. who says you can’t go naked anywhere these days. But seriously, taking those extra few minutes for me, make me remember that I AM important, and if I don’t pay attention to me now, who will later?