The other day on the radio, the local DJs polled listeners about whether or not they’d peed in a pool before. I only tuned in for a little while (I hate that particular morning show) but the callers were surprisingly passionate about either peeing or not peeing in the pool.
A few of them brought up that urban legend about special dye creating colorful clouds all around you if you peed. (Not true, right?) One wise woman asked what people do if they’re drinking. I felt a little embarrassed at that point, since I’ve definitely been drunk in a pool once or twice. And I drunkenly gave up and peed to avoid having to use a public bathroom while wet and barefoot. Um, at least the pool was really, really big. Like resort big.
I’ve also peed in the ocean, but I always think that’s hard. The swaying back in forth, attempts to stabilize, me trying to tell my brain that YES IT IS OKAY TO PEE HERE GOOD GOD JUST GET THE PEE OUT.
Why is it so difficult to pee somewhere that isn’t a toilet? Another difficult place is in grass. Yes, I have peed in grass NEAR a pool in my OWN YARD (okay, my mom’s yard, sorry Mom) where dogs also pee and shit so please don’t bust my chops about that part. It’s easy. You just head out of the pool, go sit somewhere in the grass or stand if you’re really bold, and let er’ rip. Then you either hit a hose on the way back to the pool or just cannonball while simultaneously apologizing to the gods of sanitation.
I feel like I would have failed life as a cavewoman. I’d be squatting over a hole trying to will my bladder to work and a sabretoothed tiger would totally eviscerate me. Also, I have super bad eyesight so I’d already be screwed in that respect. (Can you tell I think too much about how I’d fail life as a cavewoman?)
Um anyway, I’ve also peed off the side of a boat, all the while 100% convinced that a giant bull shark was going to come and BITE MY ASS OFF. This also totally messes with your bladder’s whole “go for launch” reflex. In case you were wondering. Actually so does peeing in a 10 gallon bucket on a small fishing boat with half your family dutifully eyeing the horizon. Oh! I have another one. Peeing on one of those bedside commodes they have at the hospital. In front of like 14 people waiting to see if the epidural wore off sufficiently and my bladder hadn’t somehow exploded during childbirth.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I want a dick. I mean, not really, but beyond the whole really really wanting to uh, use a dick, I would also love the convenience of peeing anywhere. Because seriously, ladies. We spend a lot of time angsting about where to use the bathroom. And if we pop a squat there’s the whole popping a squat part that seriously cannot be done discretely. I’ve tried. And failed. And tried. And failed.
Think about how many times you’ve seen a dude pee. It’s so not fair. A guy can pretty much pee out a car window or into a cup while driving or I dunno, while pretending to study intricate bricks on the side of a building. My son gleefully waters our plants and sometimes attempts to pee on adult friends of mine and part of me is always jealous. (Not about the peeing on other human beings part.) But built in hose? AWESOME.
A girl can dream, I guess. And until then, she just might have too many margaritas and pee in a yard. Just sayin’.
I’m also embarrassing myself over here today. It’s bodily function day today! Apparently.
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