For a non-depressing post that isn’t about my sex life, check out Hope4Peyton where I’m guest-blogging today while Miss Anissa moves far away. …Wait. That’s depressing too.
Before I started writing for Sexis Magazine, they published an article called Auto-Erotic Autonomy: Women & Self-Image. It really struck a chord with me. I believe that self-image and self-esteem play a huge part when it comes to desire and arousal.
Like many women I’ve spoken to, I had better sex when I was younger. Before I had children.
I know my love life suffers for many reasons, some of them being stress and a simple lack of time and energy.
But I also know that a significant part of that is my own self-esteem. My sexual self-image. I don’t get around to shaving my legs that often. I wear threadbare underwear. I’m in nursing bras all day. I shower every other day.
I rarely stop and think, whoa, I feel sexy! And if I do manage to get sexified I’m usually going out with friends while my husband stays home with the kids. And if I go out with him, I’m usually preoccupied with the kids. I don’t make the time to wear makeup or cute panties. (Should I?)
My self-esteem as a mother? Generally just fine.
My self-esteem as a woman? As a sexual creature? Barely breathing.
When I felt sexy, it was easier to get aroused. It was easier to flirt with my husband. It was easier to relax during sex. Now I think about whether or not I’ve shaved, about how different my body looks now. I wonder if it’s going to hurt. I wonder if he can feel the differences down there, if they matter to him or not.
I wonder if I’m getting old.
I wonder if he looks at younger women now.
I wonder if my sex life will ever be as vibrant and spontaneous and fun as it was when we were in our early twenties.
When I think about trying to work these issues out, the sense of pressure and the anxiety and the guilt further hinder my desires. And yes, I know I shouldn’t pressure myself, and yes, I know that breastfeeding is the anti-boner. But I feel like a shitty partner. And I’m afraid I’ll never enjoy sex again.
When women talk about great sex, I feel bitter and resentful. I feel like a failure as a lover and a wife.
I want to end this with some light at the end of the tunnel sentiment, but right now it’s not there. And that scares me.
Does your self-esteem affect your sex life?
Girl Talk Thursday participants are eligible to win a $25 gift certificate from Eden Fantasys, the sex toy website that publishes Sexis Magazine. I truly believe in what they’re doing and I’m proud to work with them and write for them. Sex toys, erotic literature, movies, and “marital aids” can be a crucial part of rejuvenating sex lives. (Me, myself and I continue to have a smashing love life thanks to some good vibrations.)
If you post this week, link up with Mr. Linky. Don’t forget to share the love. (And ladies, my comments on ALL your posts are coming. Its been a trying week and I’m behind on everything.)
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