The Disclaimer
If you are my brother, my brother-in-law, my husband’s coworker, someone with upstanding morals, etc, please be aware that I am about to talk about my ladyparts and sex toys and the ancient art of [insert your favorite masturbation euphemism here]. You have been warned. Additionally, all opinions in this review are my own and were not paid for. My name is Mommy Melee, and I like to wank.
The Prologue
From about 2002 until 2006, I wrote a lot of adult fiction. I’m talking a lot. A lot of super hardcore dirty sometimes involving tentacles crazy erotic stories. I mostly shared it with friends on a locked blog but also posted some on adult sites. My reputation centered around my boner.
Yeah, you heard me. I have a boner.
The problem is, ever since I had my first kid, my boner has become wilted and droopy and largely unimpressive. And though I sometimes use it to dickslap people or gesture threateningly, I don’t get a lot of fun use out of it.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have a sex drive anymore. It just means I have to be a lot drunker work a lot harder to get it up.
That’s where vibrators and whatnot come in hand. (I said come. In hand. Hurrrrrr.)
The Review
So the other day Zoeyjane had a super fun contest on her blog. About dildos. And I didn’t win. But then a super nice dude from Eden Fantasys emailed me and told that I was pervy funny and would I like to review an adult toy. I found this kind of hilarious since I don’t generally blog about vaginas and vibrators and whatnot. BUT I LOVE THEM. So thank you, universe, for giving me yet another opportunity to make my readers uncomfortable.
I have to say, Eden Fantasys is a top notch sex toy site. I’m pretty picky, having bought a few vibes online before. I require reviews (which they have) and a healthy atmosphere (which they have). I’m really turned off by overly sleazy websites. Erotic does not mean sleazy.
Site perks:
- Diameter and Insertable Length info/searches
- Awesome “actual size” tool
- I said tool
- Books/DVDs
- Huge variety
- Good shipping prices
- Ratings/reviews
Anyway, after perusing Edens Fantasys for a while, I choose this little guy, the Bgee. He arrived in the mail right when my mom was arriving to babysit, which was pretty awesome. Luckily their packaging is nice and discreet, so I told her it was something for my husband and I had to wait until later to open it.
Later that night, I opened the box and discovered that the lil’ guy came in surprisingly design-conscious packaging. (Lemme tell you, I personally cannot STAND vibes/dildos that come in a package plastered with porn stars. Really, folks? Do you think ladies are like oh yes plz, I definitely relate to that actress with implants the size of my houseplants. Bring on the orgasms!) The directions were a little scanty (but clever), but I managed to figure out pretty quickly that all I needed to do was find a few AAA batteries.
The toy itself isn’t much thicker than a AAA battery. Pretty cool. Since I already own this wonderful yellow woodchuck-esque vibrator, I wasn’t in the market for anything dick-like. (I don’t prefer dick-shaped toys anyway. They’re harder to disguise from your preschooler who inevitably ends up crawling under your bed and then running out into the living room waving your magic wand around. Also harder to hide from your mom who inevitably ends up under your bed snooping cleaning.)
Pros of the Bgee:
Size (I prefer a slim toy)
Shape (g-spot-tacular)
Waterproof (haven’t tested this)
Cute color (I got blue but it also comes in pink, grey and purple)
Comes with a discreet little bag
Easy-to-use on/power level dial
Cons of the Bgee:
There’s only one con for me. It shakes and shimmies but not quite as hard as I’d like it to. I’m guessing this is due to the small size and battery strength. Could also be that the gentle material its made of doesn’t transmit vibes the way that other materials do. This might not be a con for everyone, I just prefer a lot of power to my powertools.
Sidenote on G-Spot Toys:
Ladies, if you’re not already into the whole g-spot phenomenon, don’t count on a toy to bring on some sort of brand new perspective on your junk. If you’re having perfectly acceptable orgasms from clitoral stimulation you’re not missing out on anything. And if you are super curious about g-spot stimulation and sensation, your best bet is to engage in some shenanigans with your partner before you try to work on it on your own. (This is pretty much the only situation I would recommend having someone else help you with. Otherwise when it comes to the magic of your ladyparts, you’re always going to be the #1 expert.)
Now, if you DO experience earthshaking g-spot-related sensations, a toy can be a really fun way to get in that groove on your own.
Conclusion:
If you don’t own a sex toy, you’re really missing out. You don’t have to buy something intimidating. A lot of small, inexpensive, discreet vibrators can be eye-opening. Browse, read reviews, start small, and then work your way up. I’ve purchased sex toys online before, and I can honestly say that Eden Fantasys is one of the nicer, more user friendly sites I’ve seen. That being said, DO expect to find adult language, some graphic accounts of users’ sex lives, and images of nudity.
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